It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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