I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
