Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize
