it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
