hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sext me about skeletons
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
