he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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