The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
