well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
