Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
