I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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