My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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