youre lurking in front of me
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
