She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
