I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
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