when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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