Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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