You're my little dorito
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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