I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
