I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
