Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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