Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
