You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
