3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i came on her dog
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
