I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
