someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
