The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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