I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
