Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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