why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
