I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
