I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
