dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize