Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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