i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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