stop calling my apartment porn island.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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