Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
