Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
