About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
