She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
