I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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