And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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