I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
