Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
