Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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