3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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