I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
