made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
