Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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