i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Two words: blizzard sex
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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