dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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