the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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