I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
