They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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