I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
