it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
