She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
