I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Bring me that man meat
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
