my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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