forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
how do you play pong handcuffed?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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