i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
