This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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