I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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