This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
