I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
