I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
They are going to name an STD after you.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize