When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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