I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
