he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
