walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Enjoy the penises
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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