My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
